November 2022
Me: I’m interested in everything about you and your life and family. Even though Idk what’s the point of getting to know more about each other now that it’s over.
Him: I’m not sure what to say. It’s impossible to just turn off feelings.
Me: Yeah but acting on those feelings is like stabbing our hearts. The feelings are never going to turn off if we keep on flaring them up day after day. For me texting with you means there’s a good chance you’ll change your mind and want to share your life with me. If you really truly want to leave me and move on we should cut off contact.
Him: I understand what you are saying. I guess I’ve been using this time to continue learn about you and keep in contact because it feels so nice to get a message from you and it hurts tremendously to not. But I can’t separate my anxiety from reality. I run through all these future scenarios and panic. I also run through scenarios of you not being in my life and panic. I think I have a lot of personal issues to address before being able to commit or not. I just spoke to my friend about all this and he told me to listen to the book “the power of now”. I don’t know if this is an answer but I’m just trying to honestly communicate. Please let me know what you are thinking.
Me: I always prefer honest communication so thank you for trying that. Happy to hear you talked with with your friend and didn’t stay alone with your anxious thoughts. We both have personal issues and I think most people have but the issues are much easier and bearable to face and handle with a loved one than alone. At least that’s what I’ve learned in life. I’m wondering why you are so stuck with the idea of having to deal with things alone first. Are you willing to take the risk of me moving on and commiting to someone else while you’re trying to become complete? A human is never complete. You have to weigh the options and decide what you prefer. Life is all about making decisions, you can’t run from that. Believe me, I know how hard decision making is for an anxious person. You need to look further and find out what you hope from the future. Loneliness and freedom or connection and love? Assuming the odds of finding something as incredible as what we have without the expectation of commitment being very low.
Him: I’m sorry I haven’t replied yet. Feeling overwhelmed. 😭 I’m in agony.
Me: That’s ok, take your time. Sorry to hear you’re in agony. I understand. I’m thinking of you nonstop.
Him: Thank you for understanding. This is quite a situation we have found ourselves in!!
Me: Yes it is
Him: I know this is worthless to say but I wish we could soothe each other because I’m living in a constant state of anxiety and it’s really self destructive.
Me: I am too but I don’t know how we could soothe each other.
Him: I haven’t forgotten about your text, in fact I’ve been thinking about you and our situation for literally every moment of this day and everyday since watching you walk away at the airport. I just looked at the weather in Finland, I hope you are somewhere warm.
Me: Thank you for texting. I’ve also been thinking about you and us all day everyday since our last kiss.
Him: Are you sympathetic to the fact that I may be deeply lonely there? I don’t know this but just thinking it through, having no friends or family and you being the only reason I moved? I guess I’m deeply lonely now though, but that’s a longing for you. How are you gonna feel if I need or want to go home for an extended period of time? It’s a big big thought to me to not live in the US again. I’m just expressing some of my many thoughts. I’m afraid you are gonna get tired of me and just tell me to piss off, which isn’t healthy either (it isn’t healthy for me to have that fear I mean).
Me: I think you’re projecting your own fears on me now. I don’t have commitment issues so I’m not afraid of getting tired of you. I think you’re the one afraid of getting tired of me because you don’t even know if you want to spend the rest of your life and get old in a relationship with someone. That’s a dream of mine, not a fear. I think what we have is much better grounds for a long relationship than what I've ever had with anyone else. If we would get tired of each other — which feels highly unlikely atm — we would work on it. I’m not going to run straight away or tell you to piss off when it gets hard. I want to face both highs and lows with you. You, nobody else. I am sympathetic to the fact that you might be deeply lonely here but as you said you seem to be lonely now there too. You didn’t have any friends or family other than your now-ex-girlfriend in Thailand either when you moved there, right? So it’s not new to you and you know how to make friends and get to know the place. It’s much easier here where you would have my friends and family already wanting to get to know you and where most people speak good English. I’m sure you would become friends with my brother. I’ve thought of the scenario of you moving here but wanting to spend time in the US too. My friends have suggested that also, that what if he lived here only a few months at a time but was always commited to coming back from the US. Of course that’s not the best case scenario from my pov but I think I could live with it. I’d still have you. As a family person (family being a priority and a dream to me) I really do understand you want to be with your family in the US. Of course I’d like to stay there too as long a time as is possible considering my kid, get to know your family and friends and see the places you’ve spent most of your life in. And I’d love to have your family visit us here.
Him: Not trying to leave you hanging, thank you for your message. Just processing all of it and my own emotions. You have described some beautiful feelings. I’m listening to a book called “men who can’t love”, it’s about men who have commitment issues. It’s older, from 1987, so it’s a little dated. Anyway, just wanted to tell you what I was doing. There is a book that also came up that I may listen to “women who love too much”. It’s also a little dated though but looked interesting. It’s probably about avoiding men like me. I’m sorry for dragging you through all this. Rereading your message above makes me cry. When we started texting again I was afraid I would be getting your hopes up in a push/pull me not being able to cut you off but not being able to commit. And yes the idea of you committing to someone else scares me. I feel very immature for having this fear of commitment, like there is something very wrong with me. I wish I could just figure it out and just say yes I’m moving to you or nope it’s over. I wonder if my focusing on these specific issues of Finland are the issue or if it’s just the bigger commitment picture. But there are way more factors in play than if I already lived and worked in Helsinki now.
Me: Yes you did get my hopes up. At times I feel you’re driving me mad by pulling me close and then pushing me away. I can’t tell you what to want or make desicions for you and neither can a therapist or anyone else. You either can take risks and commit or cannot. On the other hand by leaving me you commit in not being with me and take the risk of being alone and lonely without romantic love, connection and satisfying sex. It’s possible you find someone else but there’s no quarantee. I’m getting frustrated with you. If you can’t commit or cut me off then I need to do the latter as the previous is only in your hands.
Him: I tried to go to sleep but I can’t without acknowledging your text. Thank you for the message. I’m frustrated with myself too.
Me: Sorry I kept you awake. That wasn’t my purpose. Hope you sleep well although I know it’s difficult.
Him: Hey not trying to leave you hanging today, just been hoping beyond hope that something would change in me today. I’ve been doing so much thinking and wondering and soul searching and just going in circles. Also been scared to send this message because of what it may mean. But I guess we need to cut each other off. I don’t know what else to do. We keep causing each other pain. I have so much self work to do before being able to commit long term to a relationship.
Me: Understood. Thank you for the time we had together. I hope you have a nice life and that you won’t break any more hearts.
The last night of the year 2022
Me: I’ll never get over you. How could you walk away from something as special and beautiful as what we had? I still can’t comprehend.
Him: I feel completely shattered as well about everything. I've been thinking I would reach out to you after 30 days from the 11th, when we last texted. It’s been difficult for me as well, I assure you. A few days ago I went back and read all of our messages from the beginning. I did this to try to understand how the hell we got in so deep so fast. And I want to take responsibility for something and apologize. There were points in our early history when I should have stepped back and thought more clearly. You said in early September you were looking for a relationship. It was when I was in Tallin I think. I should have really thought about the future then, but I was so incredibly overwhelmed by emotion all I could think about was coming back to see you. It wasn’t until late October that it really started to hit me. I’m sorry. I’ve been feeling incredibly guilty about everything. I don’t know how to get over it either. I’ve been trying to stay busy. But there are lots of tears at random times. Hard to put one foot in front of the other. I always imagine you and what you might be doing. Idk if this is good for you to hear or bad.
Me: You didn’t answer the question I was wondering. It sounds like you regret us and hope it never happened, everything we did and had. Why you want to deny love, passion and connection from yourself is a mystery to me.
Him: I feel like you are choosing to hear the worst. How are you hearing that I regret us?
Me: You wrote you should have stepped back and thought more about the future during our first weeks together. I hear that means you think you shouldn’t have let things go further like they did. You wrote you are sorry and feel guilty. I hear that if you left me early in the autumn you wouldn’t have anything to regret and be sorry for now.
Him: Or I should have communicated that to you clearly and we could have discussed it. Isn’t that what you would have wanted? You told me once that if you weren’t going to get a relationship out of this you would have cut it off after the first 5 meetings or so.
Me: Yes I think I said so. If we had a discussion about it earlier I still would’ve hoped for you to stay with me but if you decided not to I would probably not have been as devastated as I am now.
Him: It’s not easy for me to not come back in Feb. I had a panic attack the other night thinking that day at the airport, it can’t actually be the last time I see her, it just can’t be, I dont accept it. But I think ultimately moving to Helsinki I would not be able to last for the long term for a variety of reasons and I thought it best to end things and allow you to find what you are looking for, a partner that can commit to the long term. You may not have gotten exactly what you wanted, but you can always count on me. I do love you and I care deeply about you. If you are feeling down or lonely or sad you can reach out. If you are feeling happy and have something to share you can reach out. I’ll never ever blow you off or not respond to you.
Me: Thank you for the offer but as I’ve said before I cannot be just friends with you. You said then that it feels impossible for you too. Yes I am feeling down and lonely and sad all the time, have been since you left and there’s no light in the tunnel. I know I shouldn’t have texted you yesterday but as I’ve thought about it every day for 3 weeks I couldn’t help it when I was feeling extremely lonely during the last hours of the year I met the love of my life.
Him: I don’t think that we are just friends at all. But I’m just telling you I’m not an abyss. I’m telling you I felt a decision had to be made and I made it. And yes I think of you every day and possibly every moment. I’m glad you reached out.
Me: What is it that makes you glad about me reaching out?
Him: It’s just nice to be in communication with you. Are you regretful you reached out? Although it is rather bittersweet. I’ve been imagining you much more vividly now. Guess I’ll have to see how I feel throughout the day.
Me: I’m not regretful about reaching out because I needed to do it but it didn’t make me glad, vice versa. Hearing that you also feel shattered and miss me but still haven’t changed your mind makes me even more sad. If you were only relieved to have quit us and happily living your life alone your desicion to leave me would make more sense. I don’t mean you should’ve lied and said you’re fine, of course not. I appreciate honesty as always.
Him: I have some strong and potentially unpleasant emotions I would like to express. The words you choose, like “quit us” and “your decision to leave me” feel like they are chosen intentionally as weapons. They make me feel guilty and make you into a victim. This isn’t the first time. You saying “I’m not good enough” etc. I made excuses in my head for you the first few times it happened, like well maybe it’s the Finnish way, maybe cuz English is her second language, but then I started to think it’s on purpose, as you are perfectly fluent. Maybe I’m just being sensitive and you don’t intend to attack with your word selection but just ask yourself if you are or not. It makes me feel you have very little empathy for my situation and you expect me to literally change my entire life and if I don’t then I’m the one who “quit us” and walked out. It’s very harsh and I think you know that I feel your emotions very strongly and I absorb your energy and your pain and it makes me suffer. When we were together I was delightfully focused on making you smile and it killed me anytime you were sad or upset. I didn’t walk out. And for you to be so un-understanding of the scope of the situation makes me uncomfortable. It’s very binary for you, he didn’t move to Helsinki so that means he quit on us and walked out. Maybe we had an amazing experience and will forever have that? Maybe we taught each other things about love and passion and what we are capable of feeling. Maybe not all things can last forever. This isn’t easy for me. Do I wish I could suspend time and live in those emotions with you in a vacuum forever, yes. But that doesn’t mean we are going to have a successful long term relationship or that I don’t want other things out of life that don’t involve moving to Finland. I ran through every scenario, trying to make it work in my head, how can I realistically move there. I’ve never brought up you coming with me because I know it’s not realistic. I would never try to make you feel bad about that. I thought I was doing the hard, but right thing instead of letting things carry on for another 6 months and then making the decision.
Me: It seems we just keep on repeating the same lines and arguments over and over again. Yes, not all things last forever if you don’t even give them a chance to begin with. Of course you wouldn’t try to make me feel bad about having a child. Yes, moving abroad when I have shared custody with my child’s father and my parents are super close to my child is unrealistic. As I’ve said before if you had an underage child we would’ve not created a relationship in the beginning. You happen to be the one without a child, the one whose job can be done anywhere in the world and who’s already once made a desicion to move to the other side of the world from his chilhood family. I was never going to keep you here as a prisoner. I said I could live with the idea of you staying yearly some months in the US because it’s important to you. I have never dreamt of suspending time and living in the honeymoon fairytale with you or anyone forever, in fact I said the opposite. I said I dream of sharing both ups and downs with you like people who commit to each other do in general. I know so many people who have moved to the other side of the world to be with their loved one, quit their jobs etc. So I think it isn’t unrealistic if you have the motivation, trust and courage. Yes, we taught each other things about love and passion and the amazing scale of feelings but what the hell are we supposed to do with those lessons? They were for us, you and me. I’m not capable of feeling that towards anyone else and I’m convinced there isn’t another love of my life in the world. Not at least one that I would happen to bump into during this short time on Earth. I live by the assumption that we only live once and if I am so fucking lucky that I get to find a person that makes me feel the way you did and I didn’t have commitments like a child in Finland, yes I would absolutely move abroad to be with that person as long as it lasts. Possibly and hopefully a lifetime. It seems you’re incapable of taking responsibility of your choices and commitment issues. You made a desicion of walking away. That’s a fact. I think we are both trying to find traits that we don’t like in each other to make it easier to end this and move forward. I don’t like doing that but I believe it’s humane.
Him: I agree, we keep saying the same thing. From the first time we talked about all this when I texted you from the gym about me not knowing what I want for my future. I don’t want to fight or argue with you. I made a decision by using my experience and what I know about myself. Doesn’t mean I’m not heartbroken about it, but I don’t think I can give you what you are asking for. You asked how can I walk away from all this? I guess I can’t to some degree because I keep texting with you instead of telling you to leave me alone. Your priority is to find someone to share a life with, that’s not something I’m willing to commit to. To some extend, that is me taking responsibility instead of leading you on. None of this is easy.
Me: Ok we should just stop all communication but it feels so fucking difficult when I can’t stop thinking of and missing you. I guess I’ll never fully understand and accept your desicion. All I can do is to respect it and leave you alone and hope that one day I’ll get over you and am able to move on. Now I’m just depressed, heartbroken and miserable. So goodbye once again. Maybe you’ll find yourself lonely and consider things from a different perspective after 20 years and appear on my porch. But for now enjoy your freedom. Hope you’ll find divine connection with someone luckier than me so that the love and passion you have in yourself don’t go to waste.
Him: I'm not really sure what to say. Your messages hit me really hard. And I don’t think it's goodbye forever for us, or at least I hope not. Are we never to speak again? The time we shared was absolutely incredible and I’ll never forget it. You have a better way with words, but yes looking into your eyes makes every part of me melt. I wasn’t really sure what to say back to you and I’m sorry I can’t give you want you want. I doubt this is helpful or what you wanted to hear. Take care of yourself, you are beautiful in every single way.
Me: Yes it is a goodbye forever for us unless you change your mind about us some day. As long as we keep in touch I keep wishing that in your next message you say you want to come back and commit. I can’t hang loose like that and keep getting disappointed again and again. I can’t even try to move on if I don’t cut you off completely. I can’t stop thinking of you 24/7 if I still keep seeing your name and face on my phone. So please don’t contact me anymore if you haven’t got news that would delight me. I don’t expect a reply to this message. Goodbye.
